I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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