6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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