Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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