just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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