we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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