i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
