i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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