The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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