Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
