i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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