just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
