the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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