I think my fart just growled at me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
