Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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