mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
