She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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