Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
