I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
