She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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