He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
