It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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