I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
