can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
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We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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