You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The beer is more important than you right now.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
