this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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