I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...