i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
