i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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