mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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