Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Go christen that room with your naked body.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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