Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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