I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
