WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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