i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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