Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
