I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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