Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
