i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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