phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
