I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize