my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
