i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
don't judge my taste in strippers
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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