the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
