after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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