The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
