New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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