best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
