I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
