Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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