It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
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I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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