I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
