she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
