Pants 0. Shit 1.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
