i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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