So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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