my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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