I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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