There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
false alarm. still invincible.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
